Jayden Jaymes is ruining my life, one Monday at a time.
Mondays are already tough, all on their own, without the added stress of your mortal enemy tormenting you endlessly on the first day of every workweek. With five daunting days ahead of you, it’s not advised to kick it all off with a showdown against your most vicious rival, the bane of your existence, the salt to your slug. But ever since I took over The Hundreds Blog earlier this year, Monday morning marketing meetings have crushed my soul with the power of a thousand foreign porn forums.
The dreaded 10:45 AM calendar reminder I get every Monday alerts me that another marketing meeting is on my horizon, ready to eviscerate me into a million little pieces. When the clock strikes 11, Jayden Jaymes haunts me like I’m the target in a straight-to-Redbox sequel of Final Destination, my demise inevitable. It is my witching hour, the time at which I die a little bit inside each week. This is what Jayden Jaymes has done to me.
It doesn’t even help that lunch is right after the meeting. Usually, I’ve lost my appetite by then. Because of Jayden Jaymes.
These meetings shouldn’t be such a painful experience, as The Hundreds Blog is doing pretty well — thanks for reading, everyone! But each meeting gets to a certain point of no return when we discuss which blogs garnered the most traffic over the previous week, and my soul vacates my entire physical existence. Each time we review the rankings, I remain cautiously optimistic that maybe we triumphed over her this time. That maybe we as writers, editors, and readers, came together as one united team to topple the infamous dynasty that is Jayden Jaymes.
But no, we didn’t all do that together as a team. We didn’t beat her. I didn’t beat her. Not even close. She pummels me, week in and week out. Jayden Jaymes and her army of horny teenagers in China crush my soul. Though it’s a relatively short amount of time that Jayden Jaymes has been tormenting me, it feels like an eternity since I was free of her power. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I have nightmares about Jayden Jaymes. And before you start chirping me, they’re definitely nightmares and not the normal kind of dreams people have about Jayden Jaymes.
Some search engine in China called Sogou keeps sending millions of people to a lookbook Jayden Jaymes shot for The Hundreds Blog. Don’t get me wrong, I love traffic. We want all of the clicks, but we want them on new, original content we create. We get roughly 12 million page views every day on this one Jayden Jaymes photoshoot where she’s just casually rolling around the bed in fire engine red boy shorts and a t-shirt that a gust of wind blows off by the end of the shoot.
I don’t even like saying her name but I’ve been trying to overcome that to remove some of the power she has over me. Jayden Jaymes is the thousand-pound gorilla that I wear as a backpack.
There have been flashes of light at the end of the tunnel, a few outlier weeks where we took down Jayden Jaymes with a monster new article, probably about Adam Bomb or something. But then we revert right back to her tyranny. One time, I even tried to go back and edit the old Jayden photoshoot blog to put a bunch of links to new stories at the top of the page. Jayden wasn’t having it, I should have known she would slither her way into the backend of WordPress.
This Groundhog Day scenario of Jayden beating me to a pulp (in the traffic rankings) every single week, over and over again, has to stop. I’ve tried everything. I wrote a conspiracy theory about Marvin the Martian. We stomped In N Out burgers and fries with Osiris D3s. I interviewed Fred fucking Durst. I’m thinking outside the box. But all these little internet horndogs want to do is think inside the box. Alright, that was inappropriate.
Even Britney Spears has joined in on the torture, teaming up with my nemesis to further crush me. A few weeks ago, during the dreaded marketing meeting, my heart sank when I saw the top ten traffic earners. Jayden had garnered more than triple the amount of clicks she normally does. And mind you, this blog is six years old. It has zero business still being relevant on our site. So, I did a little research and Googled Jayden Jaymes. That was a terrible idea and probably got me flagged on the work internet. So I specified my search by clicking over to the “News” tab, filtering out all of the porn results. Every single story mentioned Britney Spears. I was so confused. Why would Britney, an artist I loved as an 8-year-old, do this to me? Then, I saw it. Britney’s son is named Jayden Jaymes. All of these tabloid stories surfacing this week mentioned her kids and therefore sent people searching the name that shall not be named (Jayden Jaymes). Their plot to torment me has been in place for years. Why else would Britney name her son that?
How do I, a regular person writer guy, topple the cultural behemoth that is porn star Jayden Jaymes and her army of other people named Jayden Jaymes? I was going to have to pull out all the stops. Every interview I do now, I tell the subject “hey, you’re going to have to really crank up the juiciness of your answers, we’re trying to beat Jayden Jaymes, alright?”
Now, I’ve never met her but I’m sure Jayden Jaymes is a very nice person, and that’s surely why Bobby Hundreds has been friends with her for so long. Nevertheless, she is my sworn mortal enemy, and I’ve never even had one of those. I’m very friendly and usually get along well enough with everyone, but Jayden Jaymes has beaten me into the ground, just sucking the soul out of me week after week. Alright, that one was for real unintentional.
Bobby brought Jayden Jaymes to The Hundreds HQ a few weeks ago and didn’t introduce her to any of us. It’s probably for the best, as I wouldn’t want to be rude to one of Bobby’s special guests by telling Jayden that it has become my life’s work to exact revenge on her. It would be tacky to say, “Hey, nice to meet you but also I hate you and even though you don’t know we’re at war, we are. And no matter what it takes, I will rise from the ashes to grab glory. I will triumph over your titillating content with my stupid stories about pop culture if it’s the last thing I do.”
So, in closing, I’m sorry but I’m not sorry, Jayden Jaymes. Things are too far gone to reconcile. We can never be friends, even though you don’t know who I am even one little bit. To conquer Jayden Jaymes, I must summon the power of a million blogs and write as I’ve never written before. Any other life goals or bucket list items I previously had have vanished into the background, as all I can think about now is emerging from this epic battle victorious over my eternal enemy.