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I JUST CRUSH A LOT :: The Weird and Wonderful World of Osiris Stomping

I JUST CRUSH A LOT :: The Weird and Wonderful World of Osiris Stomping

By Ben Shenassafar

Sometimes on the internet, you stumble into a treasure trove of weirdly satisfying yet inexplicably absurd content, and it haunts you. Whether it was the pimple popping video craze or the mukbang wave, Youtube can simultaneously stoke curiosity and provide unlimited laughs when it comes to viral trends that seemingly no human on Earth can explain.

This morning, I found a very niche trend on Youtube that seems to have been most popular about 8-10 years ago, but is still somewhat active even in the last few months. There was (and is) a whole group of people out there who create content centered entirely around the Osiris D3 skate shoe, with its hulking stature and shocking silhouette. I’m not talking about skate clips or Limp Bizkit music videos, either. These videos are... something else.

The people in the videos wear the beautiful behemoth and then proceed to smash various objects under the tremendous pressure of the D3. I can’t look away. It’s mesmerizing. I’ve watched this kid in the royal blue suede D3s smash two peeled bananas into liquid roughly 30 times.

There’s one of a kid in white leather D3s that destroys the soul of an action figure. I actually felt bad for the inanimate object roughly halfway through the disturbing video when one D3 was smashing the poor plastic man’s head into a pancake while the other D3 pulverized the nether regions of the formerly proud superhero.

These strange videos are all filmed so you can barely see above the ankle, the focus is on these not-so-gentle giants and their appetite for destruction. Like ASMR videos, there is something strangely satisfying about the sounds of “Osiris Stomping,” as it seems to be universally called. Like all weird things on the internet, someone somewhere is definitely getting off to this. If the porn sites weren’t blocked on work computers, I would do a quick “Osiris” search to see what comes back but I’m actually glad I can’t now that I think about what I may find. Nevermind.

I’ve dug through the trenches of the interweb to find the best (and worst) of these Osiris Stomping videos for your viewing pleasure. And if you’re already a fan of Osiris Stomping and are wondering if the brand new highly anticipated D3 from The Hundreds and Osiris is built for maximum stomp power just like its predecessors, we conducted a rigorous stomp test. Because The Hundreds X Osiris D3 isn’t just for skating or stunting on nerds at the mall, we know you want to be able to trust these kicks to hold up to the demands of your daily life, whatever weird shit you get into.

It’s important to note a lot of the running themes throughout these Osiris Stomp videos, as they’re vital aspects of Osiris Stomp culture. Look at the wardrobes, for instance. Though we can usually only see about 3 inches of leg above the D3, it’s abundantly clear there is a strict dress code for Stomp videos. Stompers must wear either wide leg bootcut jeans or shorts with white ankle socks. Just out of view off-screen, there must be a recently-shotgunned Monster Energy drink fueling the fire that burns energy for Stomping. [I’m capitalizing Stomp in anticipation of Osiris Stomping’s inclusion as a sport in the 2024 Olympics]

Now that you’ve seen we’re bout it bout it with the Osiris Stomp life, here are our Top 5 favorite videos we dug up. Oh, and if you’re wondering what Osiris thinks about the Stomping phenomenon, a spokesperson told us, “Whatever makes people happy is cool with us.” That’s a slippery slope, Osiris.

5. The “Thing”

This one is pretty weird, even by Osiris Stomping standards. While the white ankle socks are par for the course, the black and yellow colorway of the D3 brings a sinister element, especially when paired with the strange grimace of the spherical pink “thing” facing impending D3 doom. I can’t quite pinpoint why people in this D3 colorway seem meaner but they just do. His name is probably Eric. RIP the “thing” and probably all of the squirrels in Eric’s backyard if he has a bb gun (he does).

4. When Predator Becomes Prey

This one is really special. While all of the other videos feature an Osiris D3 Stomping some poor toy or piece of food into a puddle of matter, this one flips the script and the D3 plays victim... TO A BIGGER D3. Someone wearing the snowboard boot version of a D3 gives a regular D3 a taste of its own medicine, and I love a good revenge flick.

3. It’s a Wrap

In this Stomp episode, we see someone — we’ll call him Kyle — wearing what is presumably And1 basketball shorts and the kind of knee-high baseball socks that had the fake stirrups printed on them so you wouldn’t have to wear real stirrups because it’s fucking t-ball. Kyle does some weird teasing, a staple of all legendary Osiris Stomps, before subsequently stomping a ton of innocent air bubbles. There were points deducted from Kyle’s score for removing his foot from the shoe to pop some of the bubble wrap with naked socks. Didn’t like that one bit.

2. Winter is Coming

There is a lot going on in this one, but that gives it near-infinite replay value. First, the setting. It’s the dead of Winter, there is no electricity and absolutely nothing to do in Wisconsin where this is one thousand percent shot. All our protagonist has to entertain himself with is his D3s and the groceries his mom just had to fly a one-person plane to go get in town, risking her life just for Brayden to Stomp the shit out of her cucumber that was going to get spiraled into some veggie spaghetti later. If you grew up around the snow, you know the amazing sounds it makes when you step into it, which is only amplified when you have a pair of D3 equipped. I loved all of the noises, I loved the variety of victims. But what I love most of all is the dedication to the craft. The Youtuber responsible for this captivating creation is named MrCrushFetish, so you know he’s doing it for the love of the game — not the 199 views it garnered in the last few years.

1. What a Tease

This was by far my favorite Osiris Stomping video, just a masterclass in directing and execution. The jeans sit so perfectly on the horizon of the mountainous D3 tongue. The contrast of the massive D3, with all of its power and strength, against the innocent wafer (or Knopper?) just waiting to be turned to dust like a snap from Thanos. The contrast between the villain and the victim is perfect. But those aren’t why this video is the best of the best when it comes to Osiris Stomps. It’s all about the tease. The teasing and showboating is top-notch, this is a real professional at work. At about the 45-second mark, he makes you think the wafer is destined for destruction before deciding at the last second to spare it AND THEN WALKS OFF SCREEN. I was genuinely baffled at where he went. Then, to come back and give us what we wanted the whole time was spectacular. Bonus points for the half-empty 2-liter bottle of root beer under the bed. Wish it got Stomped.

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The Hundreds X Osiris D3 drops on 6/20

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